Friday, August 30, 2013

Do You Measure Up?

No one ever wants to admit a problem exists or that someone you know actually has an eating disorder whether it's Bulimia or Anorexia.  It's one of the family secrets or skeletons in the closet you shut the door & don't discuss.

Reality is, problems exist.  We live in a world where our expectations sometimes outweigh the reality.  Growing up in a home where weight was a constant issue & discussion, it's on your mind 24/7.  When I look back at photographs, I see a thin person.  The reality of the situation was, anything over 130 was considered "fat".

As I got older, I did start to gain weight - I was aware of it, worked out & tried to make healthy eating decisions.  Constantly I was told by a family member I needed to lose weight & that's all I could hear in my head.  I remember my mom taking me shopping for clothes when I entered my freshman year at College.  When we came home, we were grilled on what "size" I was now wearing.  I had gone from a 9/10 to a 11/13.  This person was appalled I had gotten so "big".  This is around the time I started being Bulimic.  I had to be "perfect" and eating wasn't the answer in my mind.  I think I was a combination of being Anorexic & Bulimic.  If one didn't work, I'd try the other. 

I always felt I didn't measure up & had something to prove.  I ended up not being me, not knowing what direction to go in & constantly feeling like a failure.  I think kids have it even worse today, since Hollywood has so much more influence on size, looks & attitude.  But be yourself, tell your self everyday you are beautiful & if someone thinks you aren't, then they don't deserve to be in your life.

The pressures continue to haunt me as the words Fat Azz B.... is thrown in my face even as an adult by the same person that ridiculed me for not being less that 130 as a young adult.  I no longer have a Bulimic or Anorexic problem, but knowing I still don't "measure up" still haunts me at times.  I do try to watch what I eat and exercise daily, but I know I'll never be "perfect" to some people unless I'm at the 130 or less mark.

I am who I am ... cancer survivor x 3, and taking chemo pills to keep the cancer away. The side affects are increased appetite and weight gain - kinda hard to fight it at times, but I'd rather be cancer free.

Be an encourager to a person, it goes a lot longer in making a change for the better.  Don't measure a person's worth by their size, no one in this world is perfect.  Be you - be happy with you, & be happy in knowing God loves you unconditionally.  I'm happy being me, happy I am a survivor.

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